‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
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No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Batman v Dracula
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
My daily affirmation
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft