*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
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My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Tony Hawk, age 6
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen