I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
You Might Also Like
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.