When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
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Just had my nails done!
where’s Godzilla when we need him
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Art by Pastelkatto