[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
You Might Also Like
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
how high up are we talkin’?
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*