People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
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“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
A Match(.com), but for socks.
The Others (2001)
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Does it…does it take 3 days
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi