[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
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[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.