My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
You Might Also Like
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!