Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
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She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
real
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail