Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
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Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.