Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
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Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
All generalizations are stupid.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”