In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
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We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Me trying to “trust the process”
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.