Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
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I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.