My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
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Sunday
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later