ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
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I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”