My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
You Might Also Like
I’m pretty like a car crash.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
X-tra spooky blend
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
“Why you watching this shit?”
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭