Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
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Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.