waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
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dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.