How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
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‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross