The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
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Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Dietest Coke
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors