Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
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I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
the greatest twitter interaction
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us