On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
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Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
adding to the discourse
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers