I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
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My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”