I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
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It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
And then there were 4
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.