HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
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verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
This one’s “Alex”.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?