My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
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The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
this is the best day of my life
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
me
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.