This can never not be funny 😭😭
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Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Saturday
It’s the weekend y’all
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
blocked.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.