{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
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i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.