[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
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If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Them: Just act casual
Me:
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
rapatouille
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.