A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
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(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Pickled cat.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Um … Hot Wings please
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
The Sun
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
*ernest hemingway voice*
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.