Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
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Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb