“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
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we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
motivation
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.