Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
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My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Lmao
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names