Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
You Might Also Like
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Love is always patient and kind.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.