This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
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My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
what are they serving at kfc then???
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
not to brag, but mine was free
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.