[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
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A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
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