We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
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My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
My biological clock is wheezing.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids