a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
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I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
*feels the wind in my toe hair
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?