[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
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Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.