There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
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Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
*me flirting
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what