*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
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*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.