Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
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What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
God, I love Scotland
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
britain’s three elite institutions
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?