me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
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[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Go girl power!
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.