Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
You Might Also Like
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
set yourself free xox
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Snapes on a plane.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home