me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
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Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Worlds greatest photobomb
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Spring cleaning checklist…
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
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hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together