On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
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“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
the red hot silly peppers
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me: