It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
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[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.