ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
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*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.