WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
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Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
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