[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
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I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows